Review Of A Killer Psychic Tire Movie Done By Art.
Or…”Finally….That Killer Condom Movie I Have Always Wanted….Oh.”
I have watched alot of movies. Let me expand on that, I have seen ALOT of movies. It is one of my favorite pastimes, I don’t consider myself a snob but however I can easily tell what will be a good or bad movie. I also have a near superhuman tolerance of bad movies, even going out of my way to watch the bad to better enjoy the good.
Batman and Robin helps with The Dark Knight, at least no Bat Credit Card.
Dolemite helps me sit through really about anything.
I have sat through a turkey fucking a woman in the ass in Thankskilling, A dog performing kung fu and fighting a crazy Jon Voight, Karate Dog and a plane being plucked out of midair by a giant shark….but one movie broke me.
Rubber, it’s honestly not the WORST movie I have ever seen, much more incompetent and badly produced have passed through my dvd player, but Rubber was the first in my 28 years that I have turned a movie off. Just pulled out the remote and click, time to go outside.
This is an odd movie, a horror/gore/comedy/4th wall breaking film that seems to just throw shit at the screen without a rhyme or reason. Rubber is still what id call my “worst”, and it broke me, So I shall break it.
|We Could Have Had A Killer Tire Movie But NOOOO.|
As previously mentioned, this is my first review…or review/recap..or Recrap if you will. The movie begins with the normal production logos, the one that stands out is the the second one, a small square in the center of the screen featuring someone waterskiing. “GREGORY BERNARD” PRESENTS.. Is it Gregory waterskiing? Why couldn’t he have a better name, I already determined if I ever get my own Production company it will be WKTD. Short for What Killed The Dinosaurs?..The obvious awnser as Batman and Robin taught us, is The Ice Age.
Sorry about the tangent, this movie was bad. It is made by French companies…oh, this is looking better by the second.We open to a shot of a desert road with chairs intermittently strewn at different angles, and this movie was dedicated to somebody, that’s a shame. To have your memory be a shitty horror movie that is. The first character we meet is…um, he doesn’t have a name, as a matter of fact no one in this fucking movie does.
Except for the tire, Robert, and I only know that by looking at the back of the dvd. The character looks like he missed his Revenge of The Nerds convention and is carrying tons of binoculars, we sit on a shot of him for over a minute; they are going to pad this movie without tons of shit like this.
A black sedan comes down the desert road, making sure to bump into every single chair that has been assembled, all 15 of them before coming to a stop in front of Nerd. Out of the trunk comes a sheriff, out of the trunk, why? He comes into center frame and begins a speech, directly to the audience: “In the Steven Spielberg movie ET, Why is the alien brown?” Because all the green spray paint was gone? Because Spielberg thought alien races all looked like melted turds, who the fuck cares? “No reason.” Exactly, so who the fuck cares?
The sheriff begins a speech about “No Reason”, little things in movies that happen for no reason besides script convinence, even bringing up the movie JFK…Classy Rubber, Very Classy. “Why can’t we see the air all around us?” No Reason, actually there is a very good scientific reason but whatever. It turns out, he is giving this speech to a crowd of people, not the audience.
These random people, who also never get names; are handed binoculars and begin watching the same crap I am about to, one girl even asks if it will be in color or black and white…reality is clearly in black and white, why?What do you see?
Two minutes of people staring at things through binoculars that we are not treated to seeing. Then we meet our star,Robert the Tire. Poor Robert is stuck in dirt and begins to move, it is never explained why or how this tire can move and exhibit psychic abilities, after freeing himself and standing upright he falls over. Movie is over I guess, goodnight.
Oh, he is getting back up, damn. We are treated to a two-minute shot of Robert getting up and falling over again and again, all to our delight I guess. Tire comes upon a water bottle and with grim determination that only a tire can muster, he rolls over it makes the water spill out. Tires really are the superior species aren’t they? This section is more or less a montage showing what Robert can do, yes most of it involves rolling over objects smaller than him until he meets his nemesis, a beer bottle.
|Oddly My Nemesis Too..But For Different Reasons.|
Robert then uses his psychic powers; yes as many times as I type that it never becomes less retarded, and makes the beer bottle explode. Mission accomplished.
We cut back to the group watching this, and they complain on people commenting on the movie and about someone videotaping it is doing piracy, honestly, If you are stupid enough to sit through this, you are the victim of more severe crimes than piracy.
We see more shots of Robert rolling through the desert until he comes to a stop and falls down for the night, do tires need to sleep? To eat? In the next shot, he does seem to be breathing. Nerd returns to wake the spectators up because apparently they spent the night in the desert with no food or water to see a tire. A child asks his father to get him some food and the dad rolls over and goes back to sleep. Child abuse sure is hilarious.
The tire stops at a puddle and drinks, yes. Then comes across his next biggest foe, a desert rabbit who wasn’t even directly looking at him. The cute bunny explodes and we are treated to a happy montage of a tire rolling, swerving all over the place until he comes to a road. We now meet main character girl and Robert uses his powers to kill her car…for some reason.
Yes this random girl will be the tire’s love interest/stalking victim for the rest of the movie, how did you know? A truck hits Robert and the girls car starts, she escapes and Tire blows up a bird out of anger. We come upon the truck driver at a gas station, who the girl gives the finger to for really no reason as she drives by.
The tire rolls up and makes his head explode…why on animals the whole body and humans just the head, and I will not accept no reason as the answer. The spectators are shocked, as if seeing a killer tire had not sunk in yet. The cops drive by and ignore a tire rolling in a perfect straight line down the road, Chief Wiggum must be driving.
Robert arrives at a hotel, where we will spend the rest of the movie, Girl from earlier decided to take a shower and leave her front door open; back to the spectators who comment on her ass and tits…I hate this movie.
|Know who would make this better? This Guy! Ted Knight! Just imagine Ted Knight telling the tire he can’t join his country club, then Bam Ted Baxter’s head explodes.|
Robert is enjoying watching Hawaiian dancing in his hotel room…don’t ask. Apparently, Nerd has a room in the same hotel and we see a three-minute scene of him polishing and playing with his fucking shoes. Glad they decided to pad this movie out to an hour and a half. He then gets a call from someone he identifies as Master…wait, desert background…weird obvious supernatural occurances….A character called Master?
|No Bullshit, Manos Is A Better Movie Than Rubber|
Nerd has a turkey in his room, and is standing in front of the turkey in his boxers….I thought the movie was going a totally different direction. He murders the turkey, bet a thousand bucks something stupid comes of this. Spectators tear into the cooked turkey, all except for one, who is sitting in his wheelchair.
Wonder if anything will come of this…sarcasm like that doesn’t work as well on the internet does it?
A maid enters Roberts room and finds a skidmark on the bed, get it? Do You Fucking Get It? Upon finding our hero in the shower, she throws him back into the dirt; which is mean because he had just applied conditioner. Tire angry + Psychic powers= Maid head explode.
Except this time it is seen by a witness, a teenage boy…I assume, who looks an awful lot like Justin Bieber, which is what I shall call him. Bieber runs off to tell his father, who completely ignores/demeans the boy in every way..I have a new favorite character. The dad gives him money and tells him to get him a pizza, and it should take ten minutes…damn they must be fast.
|Know what this is? Padding…just like most of this movie.|
Robert stalks the girl, who we never really know the name of, to the pool for more padding and creepiness. Bieber stops and adds bits from bird carcass from earlier to the pizza, wonder if the Ninja Turtles ate pizza with rats and birds being in the sewers.
Tire jumps in the pool for no reason. Surprise of surprises all the people who ate the turkey are dead, it was poisoned. That reveal blew my mind. And Bieber finds the maids body, the cops arrive and the Sheriff from earlier is with them, even shoulder checking the girl as he walks by.
An alarm goes off and the sheriff says it had been 6 hours since the turkey and the audience is dead…You can make fourth wall breaking movies, you can even do them well. This isn’t one of them.
It begins a lonnng scene of sheriff claiming this is a movie, even having a deputy shoot him several times in the chest. Ok, this meta shit is ok in small does, but stop it. The realization that the wheelchair guy is alive means they must all continue with their stupid movie…yayy.
Sheriff sits back down with hotel owner, not explaining the fact he is covered with fake blood, that did make me chuckle ever so slightly. Robert kills the hotel owner, and then sheriff pulls out a script page. “Oh god the kid was right, the killer is a tire.” With zero enthusiasm, just like I have for this movie.
Bieber and tire meet officially, as we see a flashback of everything we have seen in the last half hour, in case you are brain-damaged and can’t remember a tire blowing up a rabbit. Sheriff takes a tire off a car with much effort and shows it to his deputies and says this is their suspect…and they fucking believe it.
|They Believed A TIRE Was There Suspect…This About Covers It.|
Nerd tries to convince wheelchair guy to eat something, anything in a vain attempt to kill him. Even though he clearly knows the turkey was poisoned, he was the one that explained it. Nerd somehow forgets the food was poisoned, even though he fucking poisoned it and then dies…I just used the three stooges picture up there so I can’t reuse it.
|EXCITING CHASE ACTION!!!!|
Tire makes head explode…that’s all this movie is really. He rolls up to a tire burning facility… I am certain he will handle this like a complete rational adult tire.
|Oh…I Was Wrong.|
Cut to three days later and a montage of bodies, he has murdered at least two dozen people and no one has thought to just pop the tire? Robert is watching Nascar stock footage, why? I don’t know.
The cops are playing chess, no shit, seriously just playing chess. The final plan is something of epicness. Dress a mannequin vaguely like the girl and make the girl talk into a microphone to the tire, once it’s head explodes c4 will go off….why not just throw c4 in building…again, I don’t know.
This goes on for 5 minutes as the girl speaks with a french accent you need a jack hammer to get through. Head explodes and nothing happens. Wheelchair guy comes and voices his meta complaints for a few minutes.
Sheriff grabs his shotgun and blasts the tire, emerging from the house with a husk of rubber lined with bullet holes. THATS ALL IT TOOK? SERIOUSLY! Robert emerges as a tricycle. Which i would have prefered than a killer tire movie, he seems to be more powerful now as he made the guy in wheelchair completely explode.
Now a five-minute scene of Robert The Tricycle going to Hollywood and his psychic abilities picking up other tires along the way. More important….MOVIE OVER! Thank you great and all-powerful Oz. For those curious, I turned this movie off at the whole meta thing about the sheriff saying this was all a movie, in case anyone was wondering.
|Found This During My Google Searches…Far Better Than The Movie…My Money Is On The Cat.|